October, my birth month is ending today. For a month, I tried to ponder about how I came to be where I am today. At 48, I didn't really think I would be on a semi-retired state. I call it semi-retired mainly because I am now working remotely, and mostly from home. Gone are the power dressing and the power meetings. But it doesn't mean less toxic, quite the contrary.
Life as we know it, isn't what it seems it is.
So, what are the big realizations as I turn forty-eight?
1. When you're down, you are really down. At some point, I fell, and fell hard... left a career I thought I carefully and lovingly nurtured and built. Not many know that I found myself on the edge of an abyss. I made bad decisions, alright, but I don't believe I am a bad person who is out to search and destroy. Well, too bad, I am not everybody else's. How I know myself is different from how other people perceive me. So, I go down the career path, and have stayed down. My daily whisper to my God is, "Ok, Lord, here I am, your servant, use me."
And I thank Him for keeping me; for despite the chaos surrounding me, He continues to bless me with a solid and happy family life. I think he let me work from home because there is my haven. My husband has been my source of patience, understanding, faith, and love... and finances. Yes, after about eight years of being financially independent from my husband, I had to rely on him--and even on my parents (this is how I got a Palawan express card, ha ha!)--again to be able to cope with my own financial needs after my income plummeted considerably.
My confidence leveled to the ground.
2. Low self esteem is really really bad. Without a career to speak of, I also lost my self-esteem. I doubted my capability. To be honest, I felt dumb, and I have never felt so small in my entire life! It doesn't help that from a macro management level, I am thrown into the micro level where I feel like I am back to square one, and just starting. The great what-if hounded me. I could have been a wreck, but I didn't allow it. What I did was seek friends who believe in me, and spend quality time with them almost every weekend.
By the grace of the Lord and by the grace of my family and friends, I am slowly picking up myself... piece by piece.
3. If things are meant to be, they are really meant to be. If you're down, you cannot stay down forever. Impossible! The wheels are meant to turn up after they are down. It's funny how we are always taught to make plans to succeed. I'm sure you've heard of the line, "If you don't make a plan, you plan to fail." Surprise! There are a couple of things--major turnarounds, memorable breakthroughs, I (or my husband and I) didn't plan or even ask for but they happened or were given anyway.
Or in retrospect, was I in the pursuit of things that were not meant to be? No wonder those things were elusive. Perhaps, I was too busy planning what I thought would be best for me thus failing to listen to what He knows what's best for me. For sure, God meant them to happen, and I couldn't thank Him enough!
So, as I turn another page, this is going to be my mantra:
Cheers to 48th!
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