When a Child Takes Care of Parents

This is inevitable - a time when children take care of their parents.

It is at midlife that you will also experience a role reversal.

I am in that point of my life now. My parents are in the mid 70s and early 80s, and they need some taking care of. What's making it difficult is that we live far from each other. And you know how the oldies get so attached to their homes that they refuse to be uprooted no matter what the conditions are.

Well, I never really felt the burden with them because they are independent, and they have enough resources to keep them afloat. In fact, in many cases, they would contribute for tuition fees and other children's needs. That is because they have always lived simply.

Papa would send me a text message, "Ask your mama, she has extra money." LOL

Recently, however, with inflation and high prices, especially in a place where remittance of dollars is high, prices of basic goods are high also; even higher than here in  Manila. Can you believe that? So, I make it a point to send them a little something, though they sometimes refuse it.

When my father got hospitalized last February for low salt and potassium, that really made me realize that my parents are not getting any younger. That hit me really hard as I have always thought they would be there to guide me. Not realistic, I know.

The challenge really is how to take care of them, especially that my father is a bundle of pride. He didn't want to appear helpless, so he resists any activity that will make him appear weak and disable.

During his convalescence days, he refused to wear diapers. I really insisted and firm that he had to wear them. He gave in eventually, but not after a round of arguments. Mother said, he softened because it was me.

One good thing about it though is that he really pushes himself to get well. Thus, according to my mother he's already up and about.

Having to face this, I had to research on how to care for aging parents. I came upon the following practical ones from WebMD:

• Communicate openly. Honest-to-goodness communication is really important at this time. It's even more difficult because we get to talk only over the phone. They could not be telling me the truth, for all I know. Sometimes, I feel that when I talk to them--the hesitance to tell me what's bugging them. But I know how to probe, so they would tell me eventually. So, I really make it a point to tell them straight every time. I argue with father over the phone. And if he would drop the call, which he did for the first time, I take it with so much patience. But I know it must be really difficult in the case of my mother. 

• Help of any kind matters. I am blessed to have relatives who are there to help out anytime. And I have a cousin who is always ready to take on my requests to check on my parents or do some errands. I am also glad that my brother is there with them, although he cannot really make the decisions by himself. My wish really is to find an able househelp for them. 

• Understand the finances. At this time, of course, I have to take care most of whatever expenses there are. I feel it's now my responsibility to do so. This part is rather challenging as I also have a family to support. You know how expenses get so fluid when you have school-age children. Still, I am grateful that I don't have to foot 100% as they have their own as well. In fact, my father gave me his ATM/Passbook when I came back to Manila that time. He couldn't move about well that time then, and mother can't leave him behind, so neither one of them could go to the bank. But for that hospitalization, I had to handle it myself. Special thanks to a very supportive husband. Now, there is an urgent need, and an important goal in the coming months, to manage all properties and make them earn! The challenge is that I'll be travelling a lot in the next months for this. With work and family, wish me luck! 

• It's not all about you. Yes, this is not going to be about me. I have to remind myself that several times. I also tell this to mother and brother when things are too hot to handle at home. I would tell them to be more patient because I know how difficult it is for my father to be not as active as before. Imagine for someone who is so used to be independent becomes suddenly dependent on somebody else. For someone who I never saw or heard to ask help from anyone, who is now needing help physically mostly. Must be really tough for him, too. So we must join him in this phase of his journey with an open mind and heart. It must also be tough for my mother, who herself is not getting any younger.

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