“To love without knowing how to love wounds the person we love.”


So goes the wise words from Thich Nhat Hanh. But I think it hurts the person who gives the love, too. 

Last Saturday at the Parent-Child Recollection, I was once again reminded how important family is to the overall development of a child, of a person. I attended the same module last year with my elder son, so I was there as a member of the secretariat. This year, it was my younger son and his father's turn to attend. Even so, I would get snippets of the recollection and relearned.

How do you express your love? How do you want to be loved?

These questions can best be answered by the five languages of love. Each of us has a primary love language that we must learn to speak if we want the other person to feel loved. There are five ways to express love emotionally: 
  1. Does your partner feel loved through words of affirmation? Then speak of praises and appreciation.
  2. Does your partner feel loved through acts of service? Then put your words into action. Walk the talk, so to speak.
  3. Does your partner feel loved when he receives gifts? Then shower him with gifts. 
  4. Does your partner feel loved when you give him quality time? Then spend meaningful time with him. Drop everything and give him your sincere undivided attention. And enjoy every minute with him.
  5. Does your partner feel loved through physical touch? Then reach out and touch him. Isn't it that we express our love to our babies through touch? 
These five languages do not only apply to partners, ok? These apply to all, and in all kinds of relationships.

It looks so easy, yes, but in practice, there are several factors that determine and hinder the full understanding of each language. 

How many children have felt neglected and unloved? And these children who grow up to be parents would bring with them this shortcoming. And the hurt and insecurities are passed on from generation to the generation.

 How can you give the love that you never received. How can you give a piece of yourself when you  yourself are broken and not whole? 

I feel sad for families that are going through this vicious cycle. Until, I became a parent myself, and got to interact with fellow parents and their families, I didn't know that there are quite a lot of unhappy families. I don't want to call them dysfunctional families because it sounds so negative. 

Unfortunately, many of the bullies come from these families. They are unhappy, unattended, worse, unloved in the home, so they seek attention outside of it. I know this for a fact--we all know this--but most of us when we encounter a bully, instead of understanding him, we condemn him. 

So, when bullying is the topic of our conversation at home, we always tell our sons to fight back when bullied. But more importantly, never to be a bully. I am happy that they are not bullied or the bullies. Not all kids are as lucky. 

We are just blessed that we have a Sister-Principal who looks beyond the bully and try to know who the child really is beyond his bully mask. I pray every day that she will be successful in her campaign. 

Last Saturday, I was telling her also about that "healing the child in you seminar" in Ateneo, and she said she would ask around and see how she can arrange for one in the school. The life of a friend of mine was saved because she attended that seminar.  

So, let me make an appeal to all parents out there. If you're going through life laden with unresolved issues. You are encumbered with painful past experiences. You are pulled back by insecurities and uncertainties, seek help. Bend your knees and pray without ceasing.  

But for what it's worth, let me  quote Fr. Jun Limbaga, the facilitator, "With the grace of God, choose to forgive."

Easier said than done, I know. But we must persevere. 



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23 comments

  1. In our family, I think that we feel most loved when we spend quality time together, and also when we serve each other. I'm happy to say that ours is a home that's filled with love. :)

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  2. This is beautiful. And very timely to read for me. :) thank you for this.

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  3. Have that book and I so appreciate it. Taught me how to understand people around me.

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  4. This is a great read! I always make sure that my twins feel my love equally! I really don't want to answer questions as who is my favorite or whom I love most because I want to make them feel that I carry them both and the two of them is the best thing that ever happened to me. :)

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    1. Thanks, Neri! Yeah, we really need to make our children feel the love each one of them deserves.

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  5. I've been reflecting on The five love languages devotional book by Gary Chapman and it was very helpful and inspiring to us... especially to my husband.. we were able to define our unique individual love languages as well as my kids and made us realize the value of prioritizing and respecting each and everyone's feelings and differences..

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    1. Oh, I am so happy to know this Elizabeth. As parents and as a partner, we really need all the help we can get from books or mentors. Keep at it! :)

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  6. Such a great read, all the above mentioned are very important. Specially if your in the relationship like family, but for me quality time and constant communication is very important.

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  7. Very timely post. My husband and I always find time to have a date night no matter how crazy work or household chores have become. Couples need to date continously and to celebrate the love for each other. Do not ever use work or the children as an excuse.

    Cris Ruffolo
    www.readingruffolos.com

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    1. True that, Cris! Always nurture the relationship. :)

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  8. I have discussed once the languages of love with my husband after attending a Bishop Jonel Milan's talk. It was really nice to be reminded of it once more... And yes, being a bullied kid myself, I also want my child to be strong when he grows up to stand against bullies and more importanly, be not a bully. :)

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    1. Good to know Iping that you've gone through it with your husband, and is applying it to your children. :) Thanks!

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  9. As parents we must ensure, our kids feel loved the most at home. This is a wonderful post sis.

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    1. Thanks, Juvy! Yeah, I agree with you. The home is the haven of our children, their sanctuary where they can get their strength.

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  10. I grow without feeling the love of my parents thru physical touch and this is what I'm really trying to change with my own family. I wanted our home to be filled with pure love and happiness.

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    1. I'm glad you're doing that Anne, and that you are aware. Keep at it! :)

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  11. From the start, I know my husband feels love with physical touch.. kaya touchy talaga ako sa kanya! Ako naman, before I'm more on the affirmation side pero since the husband loves showering gifts, I learned to accept na it's his way of showing his love to me :)

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    1. Ah that's good, you have learned to adjust... all in the name of love. Cheers! ;))

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  12. I think we need to really be aware of the needs of our partner to have a lasting relationship.

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