If Your Teener Retreats to His Room for Hours, Don't Take It Personally

I know this happens. I also know that most of us moms, we take it personally.

I often hear stories of teens start to answer in monosyllables (Thankfully, my teens vie for our attention and race against each other to tell us their stories, LOL). They lock themselves in their rooms. They are always with their gadgets. They spend most of their time with their friends. They answer back. And the list goes on...

Of course, we try our best to engage them. In fact, we should, just so we know that they are not into trouble or in trouble. But I always feel, we don't need to hover. I steer away from being a helicopter parent.

This article, No, Your Teen Doesn't Hate You. It's Just Summer, is very enlightening. Here are some of the points:

Teens need alone time. Every one does no matter at what age, don't you agree? At this age, they are trying to establish some independence but at the same time still managed by our rules. It can be confusing. Remember we were teens once. Healthy adolescents usually strengthen their ties to peers and adults outside the home as they loosen their ties to their parents. There are also moments that they seek out our presence and withdraw. Don't take it as rejection.

Complaining isn't unusual. Adults complain, and so do teens. There are moments that we don't feel good about things, but it doesn't mean we hate it or we are ungrateful. Turn a listening and understanding ear to their gripes and that will be a big help to their growth. To be empathetic at this time can go a long way.

Teens hear you, even when their eyes roll. This happens when you talk to them about crushes or when we raise touchy subjects. Welcome the grunts, hear them out, and when they raise sensitive subjects like sex or relationships, I asked their thoughts about it. For example, the first time they raised the topic of girlfriend-boyfriend, I asked them, "what does BF-GF mean?" They shared that it's having someone you like to be with all the time, talk to all the time, and you have this huge feeling of care. It's having a best friend but of the opposite sex. I actually liked their answer a lot! Ha ha! So, I give them assurance that there's nothing wrong to feel that way towards the other person. But respect toward the other should always be there. And respect means not doing something that will embarrass or shame the other person. I think they got it. I hope they did! Then, to lighten the mood, I added that the girl they're seeing should not be more "maldita" than me. Ha ha! That became our secret joke whenever they would tell us that they have a new girl crush.

Teenage quirks don't last. Decades ago, psychologist Anna Freud, said that an adult structure of personality takes a long time to emerge, and that a typical teenager does not cease to experiment and is in no hurry to close down on possibilities. I agree. We were teenagers once. We did change for the better, although we shouldn't discount the fact that the guidance of our parents, our teachers, and the presence of peers in our lives play an important role in who we are today.

For now, we guide, we chill and embrace the teenage years of our children.


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