9/11, When Do You Heal?

I was struck by a post on Huffington Post (I Was 13 When My Father Was Killed On 9/11. It’s Taken Me 20 Years To Heal.) about a daughter recalled how she lost her father on 9/11 and it took her 20 years later to heal.

I lost my father last year to prostate cancer and because of the pandemic, I was not there to lay him to rest. 

I know two different circumstances, but the same loss--a daughter lost her father. And loss no matter the cause always gives you the same pain. 

In my case, since I didn't see my father in his last days, I felt like he is not gone. He was not sick or weak, not the lingering kind, and on that morning, he greeted me happy birthday and by 2pm he was gone. 

I guess the consolation, if you consider it as such, is that he didn't feel pain just probably intense discomfort most of the time. My mother shared that the last conversation she had with my father was when he said, "I am now catching my breath." To which, she replied, "You know that if only I could carry your pain, I would do it." I believe her, because all throughout their married life, my father was a senyorito. 

My doctor friend said that prostrate cancer is not painful in general. We knew the cause only on his death certificate. My father, we already observed that he had trouble peeing but he would always say it was due to old age and refused to be checked. Then I think a good six  months or so before he passed, he lost his appetite. That was when he started to deteriorate. Everyone was surprised when he was gone because they would still see him up and about. 

That's the thing about my father, he never let us feel any discomfort all our life. He had always been a good provider. He didn't make us worry about anything. Even up to the last day, everything just fell into place. 

I still miss him. I still wish, I could talk to him over the phone. I miss celebrating special ocassions with him. We always celebrate all our milestones, life-cycle events together since I was born! He has impressed on me that these are non-negotiables in life. I miss our conversations and our hearty laughter together. I miss everything about him. 

I am still hurting. I want to deal with the loss, but I just keep pushing it to the back of my mind. I guess I will deal with it when I can go home and see his final resting place.

When do I heal? 

Only time knows.     

Day 11 Minimalism challenge, Meditate on your day. What a timely challenge for me today. 9/11 will always remind us the fragility of life and the totality of the unexpected. And now that we are facing several losses due to corona virus, it makes us realize that only God knows the purpose of all these. All we need to do is to rest on His promise.   

 

Ⓒ 11 September 2021

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